The Mo and Darce Show

REAL MAMAS CHURN BUTTER

2011-10-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

Mo: I really love Matchbox 20.

Darce: Oooh, me too!

Mo: They are, like, a really good band.

Darce: They are very, very good.

Mo: I think they are under-appreciated.

Darce: I think so, too.
Mo: What is your favorite Matchbox 20 song?
Darce: I really love "Bent"
Mo: My favorite song is "Push"
Darce: Oh - that is a good song. We should make a fan club, so that Matchbox 20 gets the appreciation they deserve.

Mo: http://membersonly.matchboxtwenty.com/login

Darce: Oh... No. We need to start our own fan club. Every rock band needs a fan club organized by 30-something women, and I don't think that one is exclusive to moms. The band needs to get to know this part of their fan demographic.

Mo: The Mo and Darce Matchbox 20 Fan Klub for Mamas?

Darce: Yes! We should totally mis-spell club, to show them that moms can be hip and cool too.

Mo: The part of their fan demographic that is beleaguered stay-at-home moms?

Darce: Yes! Because, here's the thing, Maureen - as mothers, it is really important that in every way we identify ourselves (for example as Matchbox 20 fans), we FIRST identify as mothers because that is the most important part about who we are.

Mo: I feel like you already identify yourself as a stunt-birther.

Darce: No, no. I am a mother first, then a stunt birther, then a Matchbox 20 fan. So we need to start a group so that other Matchbox 20 fans can straighten our their priorities (after Mamahood, of course) as well.

Mo: Should it be a listserv?

Darce: OH LOOK! http://www.cafemom.com/group/40385. Someone beat us to it!! We should join. My signature will be... "Mother of 3, home birther, water birther, breastfeeder, Matchbox 20 Lover!"

Mo: Are they stunt birthers who also love Matchbox 20 and maybe had it on their Hypno Birth Playlist?

Darce: I don't know. I should join and ask!

Mo: My "siggy" will be "Righteous Mama to Three Skinbabies and One Furbaby, crotch-birther, extended-nursing, intactivist Catholic helpmeet to my partner, Briaghnn."

Darce: LOL

Me: Well. That's what I am. As well as a MB20 fan.

Darce: Aren't we all? Aren't we all?

Mo: Do you think we should start covering?

Darce: For sure.

Mo: This is a big topic for mamas of faith on the internet. I know it's a big topic, because there is a smiley for it on MDC. Everyone needs to know you wear a cloth on your head, because, you know. Not for attention or anything.

Darce: Well, of course it's important to let your internet acquaintances know that you cover - especially if you belong to a faith and culture that does not typically cover their heads. Then you get to spend lots of time explaining why you were called to cover. Of course, not for attention or anything.

Mo: Well, here's the thing. When you are a Mama, you need to find a subtle way to insinuate to other Mamas that you are superior to them. It used to be that women HAD to use cloth diapers, cook everything from scratch, sew their clothing, dry it on a line, quilt, use herbal medicines and can all their own fruits. It was hard and they probably hated it and died really young. And, over time, people invented ways to make life easier for these women. And these ways were enthusiastically embraced. But then moms couldn't feel smug, and some women began to believe that only "traditional" housewifery and mothering was authentic. And that is why we are now enjoying a renaissance of women who feel smug about making life harder for themselves.

Darce: Well, obviously, only a real womyn would churn her own butter, sew her own aprons, cover her head, use washable maxi pads, and homeschool her kids - so that she would never have any time apart from them! But, you know, if you want to be inauthentic and use the biscuits from the refrigerated section of the supermarket, mop with a Swiffer and flush thousands of tampons down your toilet, be my guest.

Mo, the Angry American

2011-10-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Mo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruNrdmjcNTc&ob=av3e

“And you'll be sorry that you messed with The U.S. of A.

'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way”

Darce:

here's the thing

must we celebrate war?

Mo:

I don't think he's celebrating war.

Darce:

He's pretty jolly about kickin’ some ass.

Mo:

I think he's encouraging the people who are on the front lines.

Remember - they told crusaders that if they died in battle they'd automatically go to Heaven?

Darce:

If you want someone to do something very dangerous

It is very effective to cement the idea that they are fighting for God's cause

And that God will reward them for their sacrifice.

Mo:

Well, tell me that you didn't want to put a boot in someone's ass after 9-11!

Darce:

For sure - and I do feel some relief that Bin Laden is dead.

Mo:

I am glad to know that someone got the satisfaction of taking him out.

Darce:

Well, it could never be satisfying enough

to make up for the thousands of lives lost

Mo:

I am a real American, Darce.

I will put a boot in someone' ass. It's the American way.

Darce:

I don't like the idea that anyone can call one person more American than another.

What makes someone a real American?

Mo:

Truck driving

Darce:

Valuing and respecting free speech

Mo:

Drinking Beer

Darce:

Participating in a representative government

Mo:

Eating meat

Putting a boot in anyone's ass who gives them a hassle

Darce:

So there's no room for a pacifist vegetarian in your America?

Mo:

Sure there is.

There is room for me to put a boot in that person's ass.

Americans are supposed to be tough.

So no, I do not think that we are bettered by pacifist,

Prius-driving vegans.

Darce:

I think that it really takes all types of people to make a great society

Mo:

As long as we are united in putting our boots in the asses of people who bug us, yes.

Darce:

We need balance. We need some people who dislike the idea of bullying

the world into submission for the sake of our own superiority.

Mo: Here's the thing.

If we had just blown the entire Middle East (save Israel)

off the map on day one we'd have lost no more American lives.

Darce:

That's not true at all, because war begets war

many many innocent people would have died

and the world would have held us accountable for that

Mo:

When you are top dog, you should kill off anyone who can hurt you.

Now, because we pandered to terrorists and inferior nations,

we've still got bad guys out there.

Had we just killed off our enemies to begin with,

we'd have a VERY PEACEFUL world.

Darce:

Were you still thinking about getting a job?

I think that I have an organization for you to run

where all of the people in it share your beliefs

and they are recently short one leader

they believe that they are ordained by God

to ferret out evil in the world

and destroy the evildoers

and their societies

You can send your job application to a cave in Pakistan

Mo:

I love the USA!

GOD BLESS THE USA!

Mo and Darce's Lives Aren't Difficult Enough Without Youtube Torture

2011-09-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

Mo: Okay what did I NEED to come online for? WHAT?

Darce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5p39PqsD4s

Mo: Oh, I fucking HATE the foreign ones! Is that a hunting knife? Or a switchblade?

Darce: I think it's a switchblade. They just keep poking at it. Like, FFS! Just cut it open already!

Mo: Well, it's probably dull - you know - being a boxcutter or whatever. What the fuck? This does not look good.No.Oh crap!Is that a fly on his hand?!

Darce: Maybe?

Mo: Is this some kind of mobile cyst clinic? What the hell is in that basket? And why are we using a switchblade? This is ridiculous. Just cut the damned thing open!

Oh no!

EWWW

Darce: LOL

Mo: WTF!?

Darce: I know!!!!!

Mo: Okay, as retribution...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAoSmfRHC0&feature=related

Darce: Go. To. The. Hospital. Thanks.

Mo: FFS

Darce: I can't believe he can even move his arm!

Mo: I can't believe he is still alive!

Darce: OMG - this is AWFUL!

Mo: RIGHT!!??

Darce: Not good.

Not good.

OH NO!

NO NO NO

I can't take it!

NOOOOO

SHIT!SHIT!!!

Mo: HEH HEH HEH

Darce: Maureen!!!!

Mo: I KNOW!

Darce: NOOOOOO

This person is totally dead by now.

Mo: For sure dead.

Darce: Oh my God.

Mo: OMG!

Darce: SHIT!

Mo: GO TO THE ER!!!! EVEN IF YOU DO NOT HAVE INSURANCE, GO TO THE ER!

Darce: SSSSHHHHIIIIITTTT!!

Mo: CALL AN AMBULANCE

OMG CALL AN AMBULANCE

Darce: He's not even touching the volume! There is still so much infection in there!

Mo: For sure he is deceased.

Darce: RIP, Spider Bite Guy.

Mo: We hardly knew ye.

Guest Rapper Rhapsodizes about Darcy's Taco Bell Habit

2011-07-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

Mo: Want to make a rap about Darcy at Taco Bell?

Janelle: YES!

Mo: D-Wizzle takin' the van across the border - gotta get there quick to place a massive order

Meat from a caulking gun is a big treat, when you're looking for authentic mexi food to eat!

Janelle: LOL

Mo: Mexi melts, chalupas and cheesy gordita crunch is what we thinkin' bout when it's time for lunch!

Janelle: Checkin the menu, what it be? Nacho cheese won't you please double up on that for me!

Mo: Dehydrated beans, pump 'em up in the 'wave - you know that shelf-stable food is what we crave!

Why isn't Darcy back from Taco Bell?

Janelle: IDK. Big order?

Mo: Lots of meat.

Janelle: it's hard to decide what to get from the menu. Mostly meat.

Mo: True story - when I worked at Sherwood, most of my staff was Mexican or South American, and one day I used the word, "Enchirito." They seriously laughed for three days. I was like, "What??" And they were like, "There is no such thing as an ENCHIRITO!!"

Janelle: Yes there is. They have them at Taco Bell, which has authentic Mexican cuisine.

Mo: I bet Darcy got an order of those crispy cinnamon things.

Janelle: Mmmm!

Mo: And extra sour cream, dispensed from a caulking gun.

Janelle: And a chalupa!

Darce: OMG - Are you fools still talking about Taco Bell??

Mo: And a gordita! Oh, hey Darce.

Janelle: We know you were there!

Mo: We made a rap.

Janelle: Yep.

Darce: Seriously?

Mo: Scroll up for the hot licks.

Darce: It's been, like, a half hour of folding laundry, and you guys are still talking about Taco Bell.

Mo: What did you order from there?

Janelle: Was it delicious?

Mo: Did you order something from the Volcano Menu?

Janelle: Or a 1/2 pound Beefy Burrito?

Mo: Darcy May in da house, thinkin outside the bun, gonna get a plate of nachos and eat em all for fun!

Darce: TTYL

Janelle: LOL!

Mo: I can't believe you don't appreciate my raps.

Mo and Darce Bust the Hottt Raps, Again

2011-07-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

Mo: Before you go, let's make a rap.

Darce: Okay.

Mo: A really quick rap.

Darce: Okay.

Mo: About feeding your kids. Ready?

When you kids is hungry just feed 'em McD's!

Ain't no thang when they gain L.B.s!

Darce: A Happy Meal's a meal that will always please.

Plastic toys are da bomb, so get us some of these

Mo: Don't worry about no fuckin' calories

Get yourself a quarter pounder wit cheese

Darce: Get a supersize Coke to wash it down -

Ronald McDonald is a righteous clown

Mo: Ain't no problem that everything's brown

Darce: Healthy meals make little kids frown

Mo: Vegetables be getting me down

Darce: But happy meals make 'em the happiest in the town

Mo: On the way home - where do we go?

Convenience store for an Icee and a Ho Ho

Darce: Grab some Twinkies cuz they last forever!

Mo: Eatin' fresh food? Hey - fuck that! Never!

That's a good rap. I knew we had it in us.

Darce: We did. We still got it.

Mo: Totally.

Darce: Later

Mo: Peace out.

Wherein Mo Defends Idolatry

2011-06-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

Darce:

One time at St Mark's someone dropped the host

and it fell into a drainage grate

and we had to disassemble the floor

to get the host out

Mo:

OMG

To a Catholic, that is literally the same thing as

chucking Jesus into a drainage grate

Do you know what adoration is?

Darce:

Mo:

at many churches they do something called "adoration"

where a consecrated host is placed in a monstrance

and it is set upon the altar

and people come and just "adore" the host

to be in the presence of Jesus himself

and He cannot be left alone

so people sign up to be there

to make sure He is never alone

Some people go for HOURS

in the middle of the night

Darce:

That seems like idolatry to me.

Mo:

Nope, because we believe it is actually Jesus

like,

that host is literally Jesus himself right there

I am going to take you.

Darce:

If it does not talk and breathe

it is not the physical presence of the living Christ

not that I don’t take the consecrated host seriously

but I don’t think it is something to be worshipped

Mo:

YES IT IS

to Catholics, it is

We don't worship the host

we worship Jesus, who is truly present in the host

which is why,

you can buy a box and snack on it at home if you want

Darce:

not buying it

in fact

that is really weird

Mo:

I am going to take you.

It is a very moving experience.

at St. Marys they have adoration once a month

and when Catholics pass by a tabernacle, they have to bow to it

out of reverence for the real presence of Jesus within

This does sound very strange.

Now that I am typing it out.

Darce:

The eternal Immortal King is invisible to those on earth until He returns.

(that’s somewhere in Timothy, I think?)

Mo:

It's all based in solid doctrine

which is what you can rely on from the Catholic Church,

even if you don't like it or it's not convenient.

Darce:

Here. We can participate in adoration together right now.

Ready?

http://64.247.253.34:8000/view/index.shtml

I am waiting to feel moved.

Mo:

well you have to go in person and be open to it!

Darce:

SSSSHHHHH THAT LADY IS PRAYING

It's a pretty cross that they have the cracker in

Mo:

CRACKER

You are so going to HELL

That is not a cross, btw

that is the monstrance with a sunburst

Darce:

looks like a cross to me

Mo:

You would love Catholicism.

Darce:

sssshhh

someone else is coming

oh no

he left

we were being too loud

Mo and Amir Come To Jesus

2011-06-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Mo: I just asked "Amir" from the illegitimate online overseas drug sales company to, "For the love of all that is sacred on the Earth, take me off your call list in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Darcy: LOL

Mo: For some GOD FORSAKEN REASON, the purveyors of illegal hydrocodone call me CONSTANTLY FROM LIKE BANGLADESH. I am sooo sick of it, Darcy. Soooo sick of it! They always ask for "Janet!"

Darcy: Why do people think "Janet" wants drugs from overseas?

Mo: I HAVE NO IDEA!

Darcy: So what did you really tell Amir?

Mo: "Hello, Janet. It is time to renew your order of five hundred hydrocodone tablets." Imagine this in a heavy Indian accent and with a bad connection.

Darcy: 500 vicodin!!!!???!!!

Mo: I just made that number up, but possibly. You can buy as much as you want, if you can afford it. I literally told him "Please, for the sake of all that is sacred on the Earth, take my number off your call list in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord."

Because I have just told him to "please take me off your list" about a dozen times already, I'm hoping that invoking the name of the Risen Savior will score me some points.

Darcy: LOL! He's in India! So I'm thinking either Allah or Kali would have been more effective.

Mo: He laughed. He laughed when I told him this.

Darcy: Why don't you just tell him that "Janet" died of a drug overdose?

Mo: I told him that I am not Janet and that I don't even know a Janet. I have said this so many times...

Also, I asked "Amir" where he was located and he said California, which was total bullshittery of the highest celestial order. I think I heard a goat in the background.

Darcy: LOL! Well, there is probably a phone switch in California, through which his calls are routed.

Mo: You know who is in California? Me. I am in California, and I do not want 500 fake vicodins.

I DO NOT WANT GENERIC XANAX

I DO NOT WANT INJECTABLE ESTROGEN

I DO NOT WANT FEN PHEN!

Darcy: Can you really still get Fen Phen?

Mo: I am pretty sure. I mean, you can become a man from an online "pharmacy."
Darcy: So, Amir is repeatedly contacting someone who has asked not to be contacted to see if they want vicodin without a prescription? Basically, Amir is a drug dealer.

Mo: Basically he is like the middleman for the drug dealer.

Darcy: Well... At least you're getting those calls and not Janet.

Glory To God In The Highest, and Crump To His People On Earth

2011-06-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

Mo: I love So You Think You Can Dance...

Darcy: I'm watching it as well. It's a great show.

Mo: I love when the dancers are not assholes. There was one who was real cocky bastard, and he dissed Russell and Lil' C. Not cool.

Darcy: But he was PRAISING GOD!

Mo: Oh yes - praising God through crump! What's next - we praise God by driving to Vons to buy cat litter?

Darcy: Well, we should praise God in everything we do. But I question whether a dance style that portrays anger and violence is really always performed in a spirit of praise as the dancer claimed. I did not feel like he was really glorifying God when he dissed Russell and Lil' C, both of whom are not only fantastic dancers, but also so positive and encouraging to younger dancers.

Mo: Yeah, are you really glorifying God when you are being rude and uncharitable?

Darcy: No, and that's my point.

Mo: Yeah no. You don't get to just claim whatever indecent, inappropriate act you commit is for the glory of God. "Today, I'm using the toilet to glorify God!" "Today, I am shaving my legs to glorify God..." "I am spray painting racial slurs on my neighbor's garage door all for HIM!"
Please.

Darcy: I am chatting with Mo while my kids watch TV to the Glory of Jesus Christ.

Mo: I am drinking a Coors Light for our Risen Savior.
Darcy: I am playing Angry Birds to lift His name on high!

Mo: Okay, I have to go nurse the baby for the exaltation of the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world; bbl.

Darcy: LOL

Fertilizer

2011-05-10T11:54:00.001-07:00

Darce: You're goign to hate me.

Mo: Why? Are you going to UC your quads? Did you buy a homeopathic remedy for $44.00?? Are you getting NAET?! Don't tell me you're getting Reki! DID YOU BUY AN AMBER TEETHING NECKLACE???? Are you finally converting to humanure??????!!!!!

Darce: Check your email. LOL! Humanure! That gets me every time!!

Mo: Oh FFS! Darcy! My name is not Hefelfinger! But yeah, humanure never loses its appeal.

Darce: I never stop laughing at it. It will never get old. It will always be funny.

Mo: No, I know. It's perfect. Human + Manure = Humanure.

Mo: You are going to kill me.

Darce: For what? I just emailed your kid's teacher without asking you, so I feel like you have some points to spend.

Mo: Check your Facebook wall.

Darce: LOL! It never gets old!

Mo: NEVER

Darce: Even just now - I am literally laughing. LOL! Humanure!

Mo: Like, how insane do people have to be??

"I use a low flow toilet to help the environment"

"I don't flush every time to helpthe environment"

"I use a composting toilet to help the environment"

"WE DO HUMANURE!"

WINNING!!!

Darce: winning!

Mo: "Sage - Quandrandem nursing, intactivist lactivist, UCing, unschooling, humanuring mama to five indigo children!"

Darce: under the right circumstances I could go as far as a clivus multrum.

Mo: You know how you really believe in public schools? Well, I really believe in the county sewage system.

Earth Mamaz

2011-04-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

Darce:

What are your kids doing right now?

Mo:

Bridget is using her playsilks to create faery wings

Lane is stringing an amber teething necklace

for Jack.

Jack is chewing on his organic

Norwegian wood teething ring.

Darce:

Norwegian wood?

Maureen!

Mo:

What?

Darce:

Don't you know that is a wild wood?

That wasn't harvested from a renewable tree farm!!!!

Mo:

You are so right.

I will exchange it for his organic wool teething

monkey, made by Aboriginal WAHMs

Darce:

I win round one.

Mo:

How are you going to celebrate Earth Day with your kids?

Darce:

Well, we will be celebrating by having a zero carbon footprint day,

wherein we eat, play, and celebrate using only organically renewed resources.

Mo:

Um.

You're letting them eat?

My kids are doing a ritual cleanse.

Darce:

What are you going to do with all of that shit?

(I, for one, am not allowing my children to shit on Earth Day)

Mo:

Shit?

I do humanure.

Darce:

Oh!

You win round two.

Mo:

Darcy, what was it like last time you brought a babe earthside?

Darce:

Uh, it was, like, in my living room and there was a lot of screaming.

Mo:

Well, I had a dolphin birth.

Darce:

What is that?

Mo:

In the sea. And when the baby emerged from the tunnel of righteousness,

a dolphin took the baby up to the surface. It was in the Red Sea.

I had an orgasm.

I tore, but it was a variation on normal and I let it heal naturally.

It was also a lotus birth.

The chi from the Organ of Life imbued my baby with special properties

and made him an Indigo child.

Darce:

Oh yeah, well,

I had my last baby in the Arctic Ocean

and a whale was my midwife

and I tore all the way to my shoulder blades

and let it heal naturally (of course)

I ate the placenta

and the meconium for good measure

I win.

Mo:

What?

You had a whalewife!

You cannot possibly bond with your baby when there are STRANGERS at your birth.

Darce:

I ATE THE MECONIUM!

Mo:

My baby didn't even have meconium.

Meconium is only a build up of toxins from the maternal diet.

Darce:

Meh - the first few of these were really funny, but it's getting boring

Mo:

Yeah, I am doing too many things at once.

But for the record, I'm currently quananam nursing

quadandam nursing

Dioramatastic

2011-04-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

Mo:

WE NEED TO UPDATE OUR BLOG

Darce:

I'm sorry

I'm very busy gluing leaves onto sticks to make trees

for our African Savanna diorama.

Mo:

Darcy, why are you doing your son's homework?

Darce:

I'm helping him glue leaves onto sticks

to avoid the judgment of the other mothers

and their fabulous dioramas

Mo:

Can I share with you a story?

I think it will be helpful to you.

Darce:

Your kid is in preschool.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE I'M UNDER HERE

Mo:

Are you ready to hear this applicable story?

Darce:

Does it end with

"and I turned out fine"?

because

Dude

you're a little weird

Mo:

Sort of.

But it's deeper than that.

Are you ready??

Darce:
Fine.

Mo:

I really feel like you will identify

Okay

First of all - did you go to 4th grade in California?

Darce:

No.

I never did the mission project.

Mo:

Right.

I don't know if they still do it, because of the small pox blankets, etc.

But when I went, we did it.

Now, this was before the era of prefab kits at Michaels.

This was, in fact, before Michael's.

So, we had to make a mission.

Darce:

Like, out of marshmallows, or sticks, or sugar cubes,

Mo:

And the instructions said to allow the kids do do their own work.

Darce:

or playdoh,

Mo:

The instructions specifically advised the parents that this was to be the work of their 4th-grader.

They were not looking for Bob Villa Mission Santa Ynez.

So, my mom got me some cardboard boxes

and bought me some paint, glue, and some little fake trees

and gave me a picture of Mission Santa Clara, which was my mission

(this was obtained from a book in the LIBRARY)

I brought it to school on the appropriate due date.

My mom did not help me, other than by obtaining some supplies.

Darce:

and now you're normal?

Cuz, Dude, you’re not.

Mo:

And of course

Everyone else's parent had done their mission.

They were gorgeous

Darce:

Like scale models, finished with plaster of paris.

Mo:

And one kid, Reggie Powell,

his dad was an electrician

Darce:

So his had working lights.

Mo:

Even though, you know, there was no electricity in missions

but no matter

It was made of balsa wood.

and realistic 3-inch Indians.

and when you pressed these buttons on it

It said "this is the church's sanctuary!" or "This is the blacksmith's shop!"

And while no one had one as nice as Reggie's

The others were highly respectable

And mine looked like a 4th-grader did it.

It was lopsided and sloppy

and bore very little resemblance to the actual mission

And I was so fucking embarrassed

I wanted to DIE

At the end of the week, everyone had to take their missions home

and we all knew that the teacher was going to select ONE mission to be displayed in the library

and of course, it was going to be Reggie’s

Because his had a nuclear reactor

But actually, she picked mine.

Darce:

Awww

how heartwarming

Mo:

Because she said she could tell I worked hard on it

And that my mom didn't do it for me

So it was displayed in the library for a couple of weeks - UNDER A GLASS CASE

and when it was time for me to take it home

I carried it out to the car after school

and my mom saw me coming

and she yelled out the window of her Suburban

"Throw that thing in the trash, Mo!"

So I dumped it into the trash can right by the flag pole out front

and that was the end of that.

Darce:

I'm not sure what the moral of that story is.

But it sure explains a lot.

Mo:

The moral is mom didn't waste one minute of her time making a fucking mission and I’m fine.

Joseph Humiliates Darcy; Makes Maureen Proud

2011-02-22T15:45:00.000-08:00

Darce: Son used "For fuck's sake" at school today. Pls advise.

Mo: I don't think so.
Darce: You don't think so?

Mo: No! How would he even know to say that?

Darce: He obviously has heard me say it around the house. And I got a note from the teacher. I'm forwarding it to you.
Joseph had a great day until it was time to clean up at choice time at the end of the day. I put on the clean up song and he was playing in the playhouse with several other kids. He heard the song and then in a loud voice says “Oh for f****’s sake.” I spoke with him about how that was inappropriate and he seemed upset. He sat in a chair for a few minutes and then joined us on the carpet. He then couldn’t keep his hands to himself.
I just wanted to keep you informed.

Mrs. N

Mo: Well, I told you he was normal.

Darce: So I should be happy about this?
Mo: I would ignore it.
Darce: I'm not going to do that. I don't want him doing it again.

Mo: If you don't want him doing it again, ignore it. If you want to make hilarious and alluring, make a big deal out of it.

Darce: Interesting. I guess I should stop discussing it now. But man - how embarrassing.

Mo: Oh please. It's not a big deal. This teacher sounds like a real busybody. Does she have nothing better to do than rat out kids who, clearly, have an above-average grasp of the correct usage of cuss words?

Darce: Well, I've told her to let me know how Joseph is doing at school and if he has any problems with his behavior.

Mo: Also, I object to "choice time." For fuck's sake - are we really at the point in American history where our kids are now being subjected to "choice time" and "clean up songs" in elementary school??!

Darce: Don't underestimate the tragedy that I'm not going to be allowed to say "fuck" around the house anymore.
Mo: I disagree. I disagree with this entire scenario. First of all, I disagree that this is even a big deal.

Darce: You'll have to take that up with my husband.
Mo: Second of all, I disagree that this teacher is not a busybody.
Third of all, I disagree that you should discuss this ad infinitum and punish him for it.
Fourth of all, I disagree that you should not use the word "fuck" around the house anymore.
Darce: I think that the teacher singling him out was punishment enough. I just don't like hearing from the teacher that he's said something like that.

Mo: If Joseph drinks in high school, are you going to stop drinking alcohol in front of him?
Darce: Especially poking the other kids during carpet time!
Mo: CARPET TIME?? For fuck's sake, Darcy. Where do you send this kid to school? "The New-Age Snuggly Bear Academy for Pampered Pansies?"
Darce: Words and beverages are different, Maureen, we both know that. It's not like he's going to whip out a cosmo at snacktime and say, "It's cool - my mom has one sometimes."

Mo: What you need to do is email that busybody teacher right back and say, "I just spoke with my son, and he told me that he, in fact, said, 'For fox sake!'"

Darce: LOL
Mo: "Which is a common figure of speech in our traditionally Polish home."
Darce: I think that she knows that's not even remotely true.
Mo: "Maybe you didn't learn this in your little teachers' school
But the fox is a revered animal in Polish fokelore
Thus, my son has used this innocuous term absolutely appropriately. Please keep your busybody emails out of my inbox. Word to your mother. Love, Darce."
Darce: Wow.
Mo: And give Joseph a high five for me.

Mother Superior at the Farmers' Market

2010-10-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Darcy: Now that I shop at Vons, I get all of my produce there - I'd ideally like to go to the farmer's market, but I just lack the energy to do another trip.

Mo: Yeah, totally. That's how I feel too.

Darcy: I don't even know what to expect price-wise from the farmer's market, since I haven't been there since I started looking at grocery prices.

Mo: You will spend more - but you will also be able to leave with a smug sense of superiority over mothers who buy CONVENTIONALLY GROWN grocery store produce. Which, by the way, is a euphemism for "chemical-laden, genetically-modified, E.Coli-infested, imported, environmentally unsustainable, morally-inferior vegetation."

Darcy: Right. You really have to ask yourself - how much is that smug superiority worth?

Mo: At least 50 cents a Lb.

Missed Connections

2010-10-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

Darce:

10:37 AM I need a haterzzzz perspective on something.

It will be a good convo for our blog.

Mo:

11:22 AM ok

Great

I am in a really ratty mood

So please

Tell me about your need for some hating!

11:25 AM Darn it - are you gone?

Darce:

1:11 PM hey

are you there?

1:12 PM Well

I'll be here for a while.

Mo:

2:38 PM Hi

I'm back

2:39 PM Jeez Louise!

Darce:

4:20 PM dude

Mo:

4:51 PM dude

WTF

Where are you?

Darce:

6:40 PM I'm here

Are you here?

Mo:

6:41 PM Yes!

Darce:

!!!111

YES!

This is so exciting!

I am excited aren't you!?!

Mo:

You wanted to discuss something?

Darce:

Really? I don’t remember.

How Rude Can U B? Pregnancy Edition.

2010-10-12T23:48:00.001-07:00

Mo:

You will score each comment or question on a scale of 1-4

1 being benign or only very mildly irritating

2 being definitely irritating and inappropriate

3 being very irritating and inappropriate

4 being absolutely egregiously RUDE

Are you ready to begin?

Darce:

I am.

Mo:

Okay

"Hello, fat one!"

Said by uncle to pregnant niece

Darce:

I’d say 4, but she already knows he’s an ass

because he smacked her butt

at her high school graduation party

Mo:

"Oh my God you are soooo cute!"

Said to pregnant woman

by unknown woman in parking lot at Robek's.

Darce:

Mo:

"Don’t you know what causes that by now?"

Said by aunt.

Darce:

Fun-loving aunt or Ms. Dissapproving McJudgington

Mo:

The latter

Darce:

Mo:

"Wow that baby is low! Must be a boy!"

Said by stranger at Vons.

Darce:

Mo:

Really?

I feel like any direct commentary on the body of the woman is gross.

Darce:

Its the kind of thing a grandmother says to try to be all nurturing to this random mom.

No harm is meant, but it is annoying.

Maybe it’s a 2.

Mo:

"When is your due date?"

"Near the end of October."

"What day?"

"Sometime during the last week."

"But what day exactly?"

Darce:

2 or 3 – it depends on the relationship

Mo:

"Oh my Gosh you look soo uncomfortable."

Said to woman by cashier at Target.

Darce:

I got that all of the time, and I would think it was annoying

except that I _was_ so uncomfortable

People mean well when they say that.

Mo:

How are you supposed to respond - to a STRANGER?

"Oh my gosh, I was in labor for 30 hours, pushed for 4 hours and ended up with an emergency C-section."

Darce:

Most of the things you are spitting out here

are usually said with good intentions.

They're inappropriate for sure

and if people either remembered what it's like to be pregnant,

or gave some thought to what they're saying, they just wouldn't say it

Mo:

It's weird because I am SO not a private person,

but when it comes to pregnancy I am insanely private.

Like, I never tell anyone ANYTHING about my pregnancies.

Darce:

Wait.

Are you pregnant?!!?

Mo:

Mo and Darce Pass Judgment on the Tacky People of the World

2010-10-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

Mo: Want to play a quick game?

Darcy: Sure. I love games. As long as it’s not tic tac toe. I’m really bad at that game for some reason.

Mo: It's called "Tacky or Classy." I say something that is super tacky and you tell me if it's tacky or classy.

Darcy: OK, but they're all going to be tacky, right?

Mo: Yes. 1 - Traditional baby showers for second babies.

Darcy: Who is throwing the shower?

Mo: Friend.

Darcy: Not tacky.

Mo: Huh.

Darcy: I got that wrong, didn't I?

Mo: Yes.

Darcy: Hmmm... But I don't think you should register the second time around.

Mo: Okay, then I will give you a “semi tacky” for that one. 2 - Including registry information on an wedding invitation.

Darcy: Tacky. You may include the url for your website, or ask your bridal party to spread the word about your registry.

Mo: 3 - Requesting donations to a charity in lieu of gifts for a given occasion.

Darcy: Doing that assumes people were going to get gifts to begin with.

Mo: So you're going to go with "tacky?"

Darcy: And it imposes upon the guest to support a cause you might not necessarily agree with, but it's also a very lovely gesture.

Mo: It's either tacky or classy.

Darcy: It's both.

Mo: So it's tacky?

Darcy: Yes. And classy.

Mo: OK. Number 4 - Money dance at wedding reception.

Darcy: Well, We did it at our wedding reception.

Mo: (By the way, this is the tackiest one.)

Darcy: So I'll go with tacky.

Mo: Okay good.

Darcy: Easiest $200 I ever made, though.

Mo: 5 - Getting an invite to a wedding, and pencilling in the name of a guest on the RSVP card.

Darcy: Was your invite "and guest?"

Mo: No.

Darcy: VERY TACKY.

Mo: Okay. Bringing a wedding gift to a wedding reception.

Darcy: Is there a gift table?

Mo: There is now. Because tacky, tacky people brought gifts to the reception.

Darcy: When are you supposed to give the gift?

Mo: It should be mailed to the bride's or the bride's parents home prior to the wedding.

Darcy: Emily Post says I have a year to do that.

Mo: You do technically have a year. But the longer you take, the tackier it gets. And the more awkward your encounters with the couple will be.

Darcy: Well, yes.

Mo: With close friends there is more leeway. Okay. 6 - Showing up to a bridal shower without a gift.

Darcy: Tacky unless you pre-shipped it?

Mo: Tacky!

Darcy: But pre-shipping is ok, yes?

Mo: Not if you are going to attend.

Darcy: But what if I thought I wasn't going to make it, but then at the last minute I could make it, but I had already shipped the gift?

Mo: I guess if you provide that kind of plausible explanation it it not *as* tacky. Still, you should at least arrive with a wrapped token gift.

Darcy: Hmmm, I dunno.

Mo: Maybe just some dish towels. But as a rule, you must bear a gift at a shower. Okay. Number 7 - Not sending a wedding gift to a couple whose wedding you cannot attend.

Darcy: You should send a token gift.

Mo: Yes, you must send a gift. You are actually pretty classy, Darce. Except that money dance shit. Do you know that I have a friend who showed up to my wedding with AN UNINVITED GUEST???

Darcy: So tacky!

Mo: And Darcy, I will never forget the tackiness for as long as I live.

Darcy: Okay, I have one - putting "no box gifts" on the wedding invitation.

Mo: What is a box gift?

Darcy: It is a gift in a box - as opposed to a gift in an envelope. Tt is another way of saying, “give us money.”

Mo: Thou shalt not mention gifts or anything relating to gifts in any capacity whatsoever on any invitation ever. And thou shalt not use one’s impending marriage as an excuse to panhandle.

Darcy: My friend from high school had that on his invite.

Mo: That is beyond tacky. I mean, I wouldn't even know what that meant. I would call and ask the bride, “What do you mean by “No box gifts?” and make her explain it to me.

Darcy: It means, “You have no taste, so just give us money.”

Mo: I would decline that invite immediately and not send a gift, box or otherwise. It is exceedingly rude to try to dictate what form someone else's generosity should take.

Darcy: I agree.

Mo: No box gifts! Actually, I would have sent a gift - in a bag. A dog shit bag.

Darcy: LOL

Mo: Okay - tacky or classy wearing white for your second-try marriage.

Darcy: Hmmmm... If I believed that anyone didn't have sex before they got married the first time I would say tacky.

Mo: TIC TACK TACKY!

Things You Should Not Wash

2010-09-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

Darcy: You know what I need?

Mo: Yes. You need to watch “Hoarders” from last night.

Darcy: No. I need something to help me with my feminine odor. But not something fragrant. I need something like a vibrator that has water coming out.

Mo: Do you need an aluminum dildo that shoots water up your hoo-ha?

Darcy: Yes - that's what I need!

Mo: Okay. I’m going to be a little gross for a minute.

Darcy: Of course.

Mo: I have found that if there is any genital odor, it’s because you’re not showering often enough or you’ve been particularly sweaty - but it doesn’t come from up inside the vagina.

Darcy: I feel like a little soap and water usually does the trick.

Mo: Right - but the odor does not come from INSIDE THE VAGINA.

Darcy: Well I certainly am not going to stick a stainless steel dildo in my vagina and then think that I am cleaner because of it.

Mo: Okay. Because sure, the outside area needs to be washed just like any other part of the body that gets hot and sweaty.

Darcy: Exactly.

Mo: Because you sweat and it's hot or whatever. But have you ever had a foul odor coming from inside the vagina?? I am really hung up on the idea that any woman who “suffers from vaginal odor and discharge” (that’s from their website) can or should handle the issue with a vagina hose. I mean, the interior of your vagina does not sweat or have bodily oils, and discharge is totally normal as long as it’s not foul smelling. So why do people want to clean out the inside of their vaginas??? What is the problem they are trying to mask?

Darcy: I really don't know. Maybe fungus. I'm going to go with fungus

Mo: Am I crazy? Is this a normal female “problem” that I am just grossly unaware of? The smelly vaginal interior?

Darcy: I don't think so. The interior should not have an odor. Not a strong or foul one anyway.

Mo: I feel like this is just another misogynistic piece of crap product designed to make women feel insecure about their dirty, nasty girl parts. Watch the infomercial. It's a bunch of adoring women talking to a male gynecologist about this "embarrassing" problem that can apparently not only negatively impact your personal and romantic life, but your professional life as well!

Darcy: By the way, I think FDS is on sale at Vons this week.

Mo: Ooooh, thanks for the tip. Gotta stock up.