Mo and Darce Tell You How to Parent

Mo:

For real. We need to start a new blog.

              I really want to do this

About parenting

And it can be the new Mo and Darce

Mo and Darce's realistic breastfeeding blog

Darce:            

Mo and Darce: Parenting beyond the boob

Mo:

Mo and Darce: Parenting without Pretense 

Darce:

            What will we write about?

Mo: 

Food

              Crying it out: yes, it works.

Not breastfeeding: Will your child grow up to BE Dexter?

Alternative supersitions vs. scientific reality

 Darce:

Alright

one of us should change the look and feel of our blog

to be more parent-y

Mo:

I think we need a new blog

Darce:  

Are you sure you don't just want to add these new entries to our old blog?

Mo:  

Whatever you think

I don't care

 Darce:  

Maureen

Blogging is serious business.

 Mo: 

 Okay add it to the old blog

 Darce:            

You have to care about every little tiny detail of how you do this.

Or you're not taking it seriously enough!

 Mo:  

OKAY ADD IT

REAL MAMAS CHURN BUTTER

Mo: I really love Matchbox 20.

Darce: Oooh, me too!

Mo: They are, like, a really good band.

Darce: They are very, very good.

Mo: I think they are under-appreciated.

Darce: I think so, too.
Mo: What is your favorite Matchbox 20 song?
Darce: I really love "Bent"
Mo: My favorite song is "Push"
Darce: Oh - that is a good song. We should make a fan club, so that Matchbox 20 gets the appreciation they deserve.

Mo: http://membersonly.matchboxtwenty.com/login

Darce: Oh... No. We need to start our own fan club. Every rock band needs a fan club organized by 30-something women, and I don't think that one is exclusive to moms. The band needs to get to know this part of their fan demographic.

Mo: The Mo and Darce Matchbox 20 Fan Klub for Mamas?

Darce: Yes! We should totally mis-spell club, to show them that moms can be hip and cool too.

Mo: The part of their fan demographic that is beleaguered stay-at-home moms?

Darce: Yes! Because, here's the thing, Maureen - as mothers, it is really important that in every way we identify ourselves (for example as Matchbox 20 fans), we FIRST identify as mothers because that is the most important part about who we are.

Mo: I feel like you already identify yourself as a stunt-birther.

Darce: No, no. I am a mother first, then a stunt birther, then a Matchbox 20 fan. So we need to start a group so that other Matchbox 20 fans can straighten our their priorities (after Mamahood, of course) as well.

Mo: Should it be a listserv?

Darce: OH LOOK! http://www.cafemom.com/group/40385. Someone beat us to it!! We should join. My signature will be... "Mother of 3, home birther, water birther, breastfeeder, Matchbox 20 Lover!"

Mo: Are they stunt birthers who also love Matchbox 20 and maybe had it on their Hypno Birth Playlist?

Darce: I don't know. I should join and ask!

Mo: My "siggy" will be "Righteous Mama to Three Skinbabies and One Furbaby, crotch-birther, extended-nursing, intactivist Catholic helpmeet to my partner, Briaghnn."

Darce: LOL

Me: Well. That's what I am. As well as a MB20 fan.

Darce: Aren't we all? Aren't we all?

Mo: Do you think we should start covering?

Darce: For sure.

Mo: This is a big topic for mamas of faith on the internet. I know it's a big topic, because there is a smiley for it on MDC. Everyone needs to know you wear a cloth on your head, because, you know. Not for attention or anything.

Darce: Well, of course it's important to let your internet acquaintances know that you cover - especially if you belong to a faith and culture that does not typically cover their heads. Then you get to spend lots of time explaining why you were called to cover. Of course, not for attention or anything.

Mo: Well, here's the thing. When you are a Mama, you need to find a subtle way to insinuate to other Mamas that you are superior to them. It used to be that women HAD to use cloth diapers, cook everything from scratch, sew their clothing, dry it on a line, quilt, use herbal medicines and can all their own fruits. It was hard and they probably hated it and died really young. And, over time, people invented ways to make life easier for these women. And these ways were enthusiastically embraced. But then moms couldn't feel smug, and some women began to believe that only "traditional" housewifery and mothering was authentic. And that is why we are now enjoying a renaissance of women who feel smug about making life harder for themselves.

Darce: Well, obviously, only a real womyn would churn her own butter, sew her own aprons, cover her head, use washable maxi pads, and homeschool her kids - so that she would never have any time apart from them! But, you know, if you want to be inauthentic and use the biscuits from the refrigerated section of the supermarket, mop with a Swiffer and flush thousands of tampons down your toilet, be my guest.

Mo, the Angry American

Mo:

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruNrdmjcNTc&ob=av3e

“And you'll be sorry that you messed with The U.S. of A.

'Cause we'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way”

Darce:

here's the thing

must we celebrate war?

Mo:

I don't think he's celebrating war.

Darce:

He's pretty jolly about kickin’ some ass.

Mo:

I think he's encouraging the people who are on the front lines.

Remember - they told crusaders that if they died in battle they'd automatically go to Heaven?

Darce:

If you want someone to do something very dangerous

It is very effective to cement the idea that they are fighting for God's cause

And that God will reward them for their sacrifice.

Mo:

Well, tell me that you didn't want to put a boot in someone's ass after 9-11!

Darce:

For sure - and I do feel some relief that Bin Laden is dead.

Mo:

I am glad to know that someone got the satisfaction of taking him out.

Darce:

Well, it could never be satisfying enough

to make up for the thousands of lives lost

Mo:

I am a real American, Darce.

I will put a boot in someone' ass. It's the American way.

Darce:

I don't like the idea that anyone can call one person more American than another.

What makes someone a real American?

Mo:

Truck driving

Darce:

Valuing and respecting free speech

Mo:

            Drinking Beer

Darce:

Participating in a representative government

Mo:

            Eating meat

Putting a boot in anyone's ass who gives them a hassle

Darce:

So there's no room for a pacifist vegetarian in your America?

Mo:

Sure there is.

There is room for me to put a boot in that person's ass.

Americans are supposed to be tough.

So no, I do not think that we are bettered by pacifist,

Prius-driving vegans.

Darce:

I think that it really takes all types of people to make a great society

Mo:

As long as we are united in putting our boots in the asses of people who bug us, yes.

Darce:

We need balance. We need some people who dislike the idea of bullying

the world into submission for the sake of our own superiority.

Mo:     Here's the thing.

If we had just blown the entire Middle East (save Israel)

off the map on day one we'd have lost no more American lives.

Darce:

            That's not true at all, because war begets war

many many innocent people would have died

and the world would have held us accountable for that

Mo:

When you are top dog, you should kill off anyone who can hurt you.

Now, because we pandered to terrorists and inferior nations,

we've still got bad guys out there.

Had we just killed off our enemies to begin with,

we'd have a VERY PEACEFUL world.

Darce:

            Were you still thinking about getting a job?

I think that I have an organization for you to run

where all of the people in it share your beliefs

and they are recently short one leader

they believe that they are ordained by God

to ferret out evil in the world

and destroy the evildoers

and their societies

You can send your job application to a cave in Pakistan

Mo:

            I love the USA!

            GOD BLESS THE USA!

Mo and Darce's Lives Aren't Difficult Enough Without Youtube Torture

Mo: Okay what did I NEED to come online for? WHAT?

Darce: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5p39PqsD4s

Mo: Oh, I fucking HATE the foreign ones! Is that a hunting knife? Or a switchblade?

Darce: I think it's a switchblade. They just keep poking at it. Like, FFS! Just cut it open already!

Mo: Well, it's probably dull - you know - being a boxcutter or whatever. What the fuck? This does not look good.No.Oh crap!Is that a fly on his hand?!

Darce: Maybe?

Mo: Is this some kind of mobile cyst clinic? What the hell is in that basket? And why are we using a switchblade? This is ridiculous. Just cut the damned thing open!

Oh no!

EWWW

Darce: LOL

Mo: WTF!?

Darce: I know!!!!!

Mo: Okay, as retribution...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAoSmfRHC0&feature=related

Darce: Go. To. The. Hospital. Thanks.

Mo: FFS

Darce: I can't believe he can even move his arm!

Mo: I can't believe he is still alive!

Darce: OMG - this is AWFUL!

Mo: RIGHT!!??

Darce: Not good.

Not good.

Not good.

OH NO!

NO NO NO

I can't take it!

NOOOOO

SHIT!SHIT!!!

Mo: HEH HEH HEH

Darce: Maureen!!!!

Mo: I KNOW!

Darce: NOOOOOO

This person is totally dead by now.

Mo: For sure dead.

Darce: Oh my God.

Mo: OMG!

Darce: SHIT!

Mo: GO TO THE ER!!!! EVEN IF YOU DO NOT HAVE INSURANCE, GO TO THE ER!

Darce: SSSSHHHHIIIIITTTT!!

Mo: CALL AN AMBULANCE

OMG CALL AN AMBULANCE

Darce: He's not even touching the volume! There is still so much infection in there!

Mo: For sure he is deceased.

Darce: RIP, Spider Bite Guy.

Mo: We hardly knew ye.